Collide or Hide?
As a married man with 3 wonderful children I can honestly say that being able to have discussions with my family members without having feelings hurt or having a huge argument with my wife has and continues to be the toughest thing for me as a husband and father who genuinely wants to improve and avoid repeating past mistakes but how do we accomplish this? It also has not been my experience to have an avenue to discuss these “disagreements” with other fathers, husbands, business owners to get new perspectives, so we are left with whatever we personally believe. I’ve found it very beneficial to investigate and question what it is I believe to be true, because come to find out, many of these beliefs have been the farthest thing from the truth.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m far from the most nurturing individual, and my upbringing certainly didn’t help in this arena. In addition to this “challenge”, my wife Stephanie is also missing the nurturing gene! This recipe has made tough discussions difficult for us, as we can come across very direct and emotions can creep into these discussions easily. So as I reflect on why it is so difficult for me to communicate my true feelings without coming across as a dictator, it becomes clear to me that I’m not alone in this challenge, and when I speak to other men, it seems as though it’s more common than we think. That said, the natural tendency is that if every time you attempt to speak your truth, the perceived result is pushback and arguments, or you turn your children into balls of resentment who just can’t wait for “MOM” to come home to rescue them, then it can seem easier to simply HIDE and leave feelings unaddressed. This is when resentment crept in for me and so instead of learning how to communicate and collide in a more healthy way, it’s just easier to avoid the tough conversations….I’ve been here and when we end here as a man, I can tell you that I had begun to lose hope altogether as the EASY route is not the effective one. If you find yourself here, you are not alone and there is a better way! These feelings need to be discussed if you want a healthy and open relationship.
Some of the things that my wife and I have done as a couple to improve in these areas are as follows;
Find a GOOD couples therapist that you can work with on a consistent basis that you both feel comfortable with. Finding a good therapist for Steph and I was KEY to moving through stalemate situations. When we find ourselves stuck inside an idea of how to approach disagreements, yet we are both on different ends of the spectrum, this tends to help us receive another perspective to look at but it also provides a safe environment to work through things without getting emotional. When we (in our case this is mostly ME) allow our emotions to get the better of us, we begin to lose the ability to see clearly the problem that exists and the solution that we want to identify and work towards. This was never something that my parents did, and there can be feelings around therapy that at times can feel like “We aren’t that bad…” or “We should be able to deal with this stuff on our own”. The truth of the matter is that these people deal with this stuff DAILY, and it’s much like going to the gym to get in better shape! Sometimes one or both people inside marriage may have some hesitancy around therapy based on what stories they themselves have around it. So this is one thing we have and continue to leverage to help us with communication.
Have weekly date nights! This simple but NOT easy practice is something that has helped us allocate time for each other, and this needs to become a #1 Priority as a couple. In our case, we are raising 3 children along with running multiple businesses and have a LOT of things to catch up on daily that can at times feel overwhelming. Without these date nights to enjoy each other and inquire into each others lives, we become more like “co-workers” than life partners! Had we made this activity a priority earlier in our marriage I’m confident that we could have avoided a bunch of PAINFUL and emotional situations as they would not have had time to fester and grow into larger issues. (This is inevitable if they are left unaddressed)
BE OPEN. I realize that this suggestion sounds a little bit subjective and general, understood….. However this is the state of mind that we must adopt to be able to have REAL conversations with each other without being absolutely convinced that you have ALL the answers. Let’s be honest, have you ever had discussions with someone that just can’t wait for you to finish what you have to say so they can INJECT what they KNOW to be the TRUTH? There is no real nice way to say it, but these people are hard to have 2-way conversations with and I may have termed them “Arrogant Assholes” in the past. The ironic thing is that I’ve been that guy in many cases with my wife about certain topics, and so now going into more discussions being OPEN and setting this intention has helped me and I’m confident it will also help you!
Don’t take things too serious! Another place that I have had the tendency to fail hard is by taking these discussions too seriously, as if they are life and death. Remember that at the end of the day, we need to prioritize life events and discussions and see them as they are and not put undue importance to something that does not have that level of priority. I have always been a big believer in having the kids keep rooms tidy and clean, and for any parents out there that have attempted to drive this result??? It’s painful and takes a lot of energy to manage!!! So in the end I’ve come to realize that my tight grip on this result was affecting my relationship with my children and not in a good way. They get good grades, are kind to people, do the chores we ask them to do, are hard workers and independant…. these are the important things. Don’t get me wrong though, if the rooms become disasters, they will hear from me and need to take care of things but it’s not a daily result that I’m focused on any more.
Forgive yourself! This has been a big one for me. We are human and even if you do all of these things, there will still be times when we mess up and make mistakes. We can still hurt our spouses feelings at times and we all have the capacity to be selfish, rude, or miscommunicate our feelings. With that said, we need to be quick to forgive ourselves for these mistakes and this allows us to forgive others. In the past when I would make a mistake, I’d spend 2–3 days beating myself up about how shitty I was and so forth, and feeding this self sabotaging voice in my head (you have this voice as well!) never brought good things into my life or relationships. We tell that lying piece of crap to F#$% OFF and get back to the voice that tells you “We all make mistakes, we are human…learn the lesson and get back on track”.
My intentions are pointed in the right direction, I simply want to be the best Dad possible and to teach my children from my best self, but the results that I was getting were that they simply begin to block out what I would say. I mean why wouldn’t they since most of the time I’m “coaching” them on what they did wrong or what they need to improve upon. And colliding with my wife is another story, neither of us is naturally nurturing, and so not only do we “disagree” on many things, but we are both very strong personalities…. OH and we work together as well which adds another layer of complexity. So if we are doing things in our lives, whether it’s inside of marriage, parenting, investing, or personal health, and we are not getting the results that we desire, it’s time to make some changes. These things have helped my wife and I get better at discussing difficult things like money, raising kids, sex etc….. I’m grateful for her and for my children as they have been the catalyst for so much learning and growth in my life and hope you gain some insights from the article.
