Nothing Toxic about Masculinity!
Is anyone else sick and tired of this toxic masculinity bullshit? or is it just me…. Are there Men that try and use power or force, or manipulate women to get what they want? SURE there are…and in plenty of numbers! Are there Women who use their seductive capabilities to manipulate men and take advantage of men to fill their own needs and wants? SURE there are and plenty of them…we never hear of toxic Femininity?
However I believe that at their core, most men and most women want deep connection with their partner, so what’s preventing so many men from achieving this outcome? I can speak from experience, but we as men have historically been raised to supress most of the emotions that we feel early on, other than anger. In Lewis Howes book “The Mask Of Masculinity” he discusses the different masks that men wear as a means to shelter themselves from authenticity and vulnerability. Just to name a few that I’ve certainly worn at times; The Athlete Mask, The Material Mask, The Sexual Mask, The Know it All mask, The Invincible Mask…..
All of these masks are a way of protecting our ego from rejection or from not being accepted by others based on our feedback early on in our lives from our own father’s our coaches, or our peers. As men we learn early on that being Authentic with our emotions opens us up to being targets and these defense mechanism’s and habits are difficult to change, but they CAN change. After being bullied for much of my grade 8 and 9 years, and experiencing some physical violence when I was undersized and lacked confidence, it would lead me to an angry and dark place that I still recall as a 49 year old man. Lucky for me I began to play rugby and realized that it was a safe place to take out my anger and frustration and began to receive accolades for my efforts. It came at the right time in my life because without directing this energy into this physical sport, I’m confident that the outcome would not have been good. I was willing to put my body on the line and smash people much larger than me without concern for my own well being, and then I used this momentum to train and improve physically in my early 20’s.
Was there periods of toxic masculinity while I was learning about myself? Sure, did I lean heavily on my ability in rugby to generate some self confidence? SURE…. Did this lead me to learn other valuable lessons as well? YES… It taught me that if I work hard and stay disciplined regarding something, I can improve and get better. It taught me that there are all types of people and that the TEAM is more important than the individual. It taught me that I’M responsible for doing the work outside practice and for the results I desire…nobody else and that if I don’t do the work required, the team suffers. It also taught me that being a part of something beyond yourself is incredibly rewarding and the friendships that I’ve developed through sport are still the closest I have today. There were many coaches that saw potential in me that I did not see in myself, like David McPherson (Saint John Trojans) or Bob Cockburn (UNB Ironmen). Many of the lessons learned in sports helped me in my career and life for sure, but my lack of emotional intelligence hurt my abilities as a husband and father and it’s our job as father’s and husbands to open up the dialogue begin to modify the cultural norms so that young men feel OK about sharing emotions and being vulnerable and honest.
Early in my marriage I had a difficult time being vulnerable with my wife and because of this, our ability to communicate effectively and gain alignment suffered. The “Know it All” mask is certainly one that I would wear often in the relationship when the healthy choice here is to be humble and open and to truly seek the BEST path. Or perhaps the “Invincible Mask” where regardless of what sort of physical or mental pain I would be experiencing, if my wife would ask me what’s wrong…the answer “I’m fine” comes to mind, or “I’ll handle it”. And the biggest impact these actions have besides limiting the connections with those you love, you are constantly hiding pieces and parts of who you are! And when we hide these things from others we come to the conclusion that these pieces and parts of us are NOT GOOD and NOT WANTED and so we “Dislike” these parts of us. Why else would we hide these thoughts and feelings from others? So then there is guilt and shame that we begin to carry around with us like boat anchors trying to live our lives.
It’s taken a great deal of reading, therapy, practice, and TRUTH to begin to pick away at these masks and to slowly pull them away from my face so that my wife, children and the outside world can see me… initially it feels very uncomfortable but the benefits are worth it. Deeper connections, Gratitude, Inner peace, Acceptance!
Father’s and husband’s, you may not be comfortable accepting the identity of LEADER, but it’s too late! You are a leader! and your wife and children thrive when you accept the role and step up by doing what is required to protect, provide, and to cut loose the boat anchors and masks that you wear so that they can more easily remove them because you have SHOWN them the path!
