Talk is CHEAP if you want your marriage to stand the test of time!
This article is going to be written to essentially throw myself under the bus as it relates to mistakes that I’ve made in my life when it comes to relationship stuff. It’s pretty commonly understood that over 50% of marriages end in divorce! Which is such a brutally intimidating statistic, and one that is a pretty discouraging and scary odds when and if you make the decision to tie the knot with your dream person. And then there is another large percentage of married couples that although have not yet filed for divorce, live under the same roof but are FAR from happy and perhaps have simply decided to have an unspoken agreement to live together under the same roof for all kinds of reasons… perhaps financial, maybe FEAR is preventing them from leaving, perhaps staying together because of what impact they feel divorce would have on the children involved. Any combination of these can impact a person’s ability to feel certain in the decision to finalize and get a divorce.
Early on in our relationship, there were a few very key things that I personally look back and realize contributed to a real resentment and lack of communication that resulted in Steph and I really cohabitating, but in no way living in a loving passionate marriage. The first thing that began to impact things, was the fact that when we moved to the USA from Canada after graduating from engineering, I was the only person working and bringing home income. This created a number of challenges, since there were many times looking back, that there was time at the end of each month when the income was gone and yet we still had financial obligations. As a man I felt extreme pressure to provide everything my family needed and yet as hard as I could work and take on more responsibility at work, it never seemed to be enough. Looking back at this scenerio, there are a few things in play here…..first off my pressure would manifest in trying to manage a tight budget even tighter not to mention my moods during this were not IDEAL! This caused so many heated discussions and arguments that my wife and I still have PTSD looking back. And looking back at the sacrifice that my wife was making, putting her career ambitions on hold, taking care of these young babies, and having to deal with this strict environment and constant arguments just bread resentment on both sides. Her feeling guilty anytime she needed to spend money for our family, and me thinking that she lacks the appreciation for the fact that I’m doing my best to provide but falling short. In hind sight, this communication could have been much better by really listening to each other and by being vulnerable and sharing our fears with each other and appreciaton instead of tackling them on our own and holding in resentment.
The second thing that was a huge challenge for us was the way we would discipline our children. I was raised very old school and had 2 working parents that resulted in a lot of unsupervised time which resulted in getting into a fair amount of trouble and spending time with the wrong influences. From petty theft, to runaways, to fist fights, drug and alcohol abuse, and much of this activity was a result of anger and pain associated with a couple years of being bullied in middle school. I just never really dealt with a lot of this pain, and therefore my patience level with my wife and kids was far from ideal. Instead of being kind and compassionate and listening to my wife and kids, if it wasn’t what I wanted the answer to be, I would use more force..or more volume to make sure I would get my way as this is what I knew. It makes me sad looking back at this, and as you can well imagine this caused additional resentment and separation with my wife and children. So as time passed by, and my drive and success in business grew, my connection with my family seemed to be doing the opposite.
The last thing that was a challenge for us was our intimacy….surprise! It wasn’t exactly what you would call “Deep intimate connection”. I mean let’s be honest who wants to get naked with this kind of partner? And for those who are familiar with the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman, my primary love language is physical touch and so my LOVE bucket was running on empty most of the time. Stephanie on the other hand has a primary love language of “acts of service”, and so all those times over the years of procrastinating on these “little” household tasks that she would want done, was really expressing to her that I didn’t care… so both of us were feeling isolated and alone. Instead I now make a point of trying to do these things as an expression of my love and it really works! I’d encourage anyone who has not taken this simple test, it may provide you with some valuable insights as it did for me. So our physical connection was few and far between and even when we were intimate, it was much closer to a transaction of necessity then the TRUE emotional connection we both desired. So it finally got to the point where I could project what the future for our family would be like without any change and it did NOT look promising. It was time to get to work!!!!!!
So let’s talk about some of the tangible things that my wife and I have implemented in the past few years to get to a place that is the opposite of where we were and a renewed commitment to each other that has transformed our relationship for the better.
- Work on yourself! Until I began doing deeper work understanding and uncovering the lies that I had been telling myself over the years about how Unworthy I was, and how damaged and broken I believed myself to be. Replaced this with the truth and embracing ALL of who I am with pride and LOVE. This allowed me to LOVE more unconditionally! These stories that we replay in our minds WILL shape your life. Book suggestions; “Loving What Is” By Byron Katie, “Power vs Force” by David Hawkins
- Marriage Counseling; This has really been key for us, bad experiences can come back to haunt us even after we have done a crap load of work to build NEW patterns so having someone that we both trust, provides us with enough space and reflection time to get through the tough spots.
- Date Night Weekly! This is something that my wife and I prioritize and has made a HUGE difference in our relationship. We also do our best to get away for a night monthly. This allows us to reconnect and to have conversations that we just don’t have the bandwidth for during the weekly craziness. Remember this can be as simple as packing a lunch and sitting in the park, it doesn’t mean you have to make reservations at NOBU. Book Suggestions; “Mindful Relationship Habits” by S.J. Scott and Barrie Davenport, “I Hear You” by Michael Sorensen
- Invest in your Kids Individually: Nothing is more important in my opinion than making sure we invest time and love into our children so they KNOW at any moment how much LOVE you have for them. Married or divorced, this is something that has really helped me to improve and develop a deeper relationship with all 3 of my children. I try and take them on some form of trip annually just 1 on 1, which has been extremely rewarding.
So in summary, if you WANT to get things on track and keep things on track, it’s going to require you to become aware of the habits and belief systems that are no longer serving you and your relationship and build NEW stories and beliefs that strengthen relationships! Spend time learning from couples that HAVE the relationship that you want, read books to improve your knowledge, go to a seminar…... Make the COMMITMENT! And then get to work! If you tell me your relationship is falling apart, and I ask what book you have read, or what actions you are taking to FIX things…. and you respond with some flaky answer…this will tell me a LOT about what the future holds and your level of commitment. NO more Blaming and start taking 100% responsibility and get to fucking work, your future generations are relying on it! And do we have it all sorted? NO… do things get a little crazy now and then…YES! But doing the work and remembering that so many rely on our ability to persevere. So grateful and appreciative for the fact that Stephanie had the same level of commitment as I did, the only way it would have been possible…..Love to hear your comments and questions…..
