When is it time to Leave the Marriage?
I’m sure this one is going to be a sensitive topic for some, but it is something that has crossed my mind over the years and although it is subjective and certainly unique in each marriage I do believe there is a time to move on.
Over the years of our marriage, we have gone through seasons of challenge along with seasons of celebration and complete joy. This is the game of life and to think that any HONEST relationship is one of pure bliss and joy all of the time is quite frankly complete bullshit! And after going through a number of things over the years, I’m so very grateful that both my wife and I were willing to get very uncomfortable and do what was necessary to work through issues and improve in several areas.
What sort of things do couples disagree about? Finances, Principals around raising children, intimacy frequency and communication? There are plenty of things that we have disagreed about over the 20+ years of marriage, but for the most part, the topics above account for the majority of the items for sure.
Early on in our relationship, when we first moved to the US from Canada after graduating engineering school, we had NO money and this was difficult. We had student loans to pay off and a new born child and typical family expenses and there would always be time left in the month with nothing left in the bank account. This was hard for both of us and looking back at this and the priority we both agreed upon to have Steph remain home to care for our children made the financial situation tough, but would not change a thing. Well except the fact that I would have been much more understanding and empathetic around this topic, as I recall being emotionally triggered around the topic and not as supportive as I would have liked. I mean how difficult is it to have to “approve” any spending as the stay at home parent as if you to beg for a weekly allowance. There are better ways to discuss budgets and money management and this caused some friction in our relationship for sure early on. In the end it’s more about jointly planning and being understanding and respectful and having open communication in all facets of the relationship. We have come to the point where Steph understands and appreciates the strength that I have around managing and growing money and understanding numbers and so when the challenge is around this topic, I’m the lead!
It’s natural to raise our children in the typical style that we are used to being raised in our own lives, but what if that style isn’t ideal and not getting us the results we want? and what if that style is complete opposite to the person you have decided to spend the rest of your life with? When this happens, it forces you to evaluate how you deal with these things and adapt and modify to something that gets better results, as the only other option is to NOT deal with issues around the raising of your children at which point they suffer in the end from this lack of leadership. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and although early in our marriage we were not very good at leveraging and honoring each others strengths and tended to focus more on our weaknesses, we have both learned to better leverage each other’s strengths and minimize the weaknesses. This perspective alone has made great improvements in how we are able to jointly tackle difficult situations. My wife is an amazing mother and I’ve learned so much from her over the years. Our children confide in her and have open dialogue with her more so than they would me, and I’m so grateful for this and it’s a good example of teamwork. When the challenge requires this skillset, she is the go to person.
Now back to the title of this article, when is it reasonable in a marriage to decide that it’s time to file for divorce and start over? Tough question and to be honest I’m still married and our marriage continues to have it’s ups and downs but overall it’s heading in the right direction. Now my wife and I have spoken about some deal breakers in our relationship that are likely different for every couple, for her it is any physical form of abuse would be a deal breaker, and for me it has always been her being unfaithful. Would we pull the trigger if either of us were to do these things?? Hasn’t happened so we don’t really know, but these ones are the more obvious ones. Have you told your spouse what would end the relationship and what is important to each of you… and so you have this agreement. But what about the other stuff? How much should you take before calling it over? What if it’s just a difficult season of learning and growth misunderstood? My opinion here is that when one of you has chosen to quit, or is no longer interested in working towards a solution, it may be time. The one thing that is extremely important to keep in mind here, is that there have been times in my marriage and I’m confident this is not isolated to us, that either Steph or I have felt hopeless and that things won’t change. I’ve certainly felt this way at times, and it reminds me of a great quotation;
“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” — Albert Einstein
So when we encounter times in our relationships that result in the same arguments, or the same challenges over and over again, it can make us feel helpless and makes us want to quit. It’s critical to avoid this natural desire and seek outside perspective and new tactics and strategies that you previously have not utilized. By viewing tough problems in the relationship with this perspective, and seeking help and perspective from outside sources that are getting better results, we can get to higher ground!
Although this is not meant as a step by step process to determine when it’s time to cut the line and move on from your marriage, I’d encourage you to turn over every and all stones and look at every option possible. My wife and children have really been the greatest source of inspiration for change in my life and I my belief is that the greatest gift Steph and I give them is to honor and cherish each other.
At the end of the day, life is precious and if your partner is not willing to work towards finding and building a better relationship that works for both of you, it might be time to make a move. One thing is certain, we can only control ourselves and what we are willing to fight for. We need to be sure to have standards relative to how we are expected to be treated and what type of relationship we are willing to live with and then you both need to be willing to do the HARD work. Nothing worth any value is obtained without hard work, it’s part of the equation!
